What I came back with when I went out to get food

The 2009 Alternative Oscars

I'm not sure why I'm doing this but i found this funny enough. Found it on esquire.com. My half-ass comments in red. Oh well, its too early in the morning to make any comments.
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But i will say that Jason Statham does look hot in a suit, and although i am not a Daniel Craig fan, it is saddening (!) that none of the Bonds have won
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There, comments done. And highlighted in red.
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The 2009 Alternative Oscars
Our statuettes are plastic. Our carpet is more of a cranberry. And our tuxedos are at the cleaners. Also, our tastes are slightly more objective than those of the Academy members. So, without commercial interruption, shamelessly researched speeches, or a roll call of the dead, here's a lauding of the achievements in cinema that won't get properly lauded at this year's Academy Awards.




Most Fun Blond: Elizabeth Banks
Terrific in both W. and Zack and Miri Make a Porno, she played Laura Bush and an amateur porn star in the same month. Nobody does the look of weary exasperation mixed with tenderness better, and there isn't a more common look that women give men. It's as if she were the middle child and only girl in a family of six brothers.



Best Actor Playing Himself: Jean-Claude Van Damme in JCVD
The most moving monologue of the year was the six-minute, one-take meditation on childhood dreams and fame at the heart of this movie: "When you're 13, you believe in your dream. Well, it came true for me. But I still ask myself today what I've done on this earth. Nothing! I've done nothing!" Melancholy and the capacity for astonishing violence always go well together.




Best Piece of Inside Information: Twilight
The good news is that this movie tells you what young women want. The bad news is that they want you to be a vampire, filled with dark and eternal desires, but tender and controlled enough not to suck their blood. Also, it would be good if you looked like Robert Pattinson and had skin that shimmers like ground crystal in broad daylight.




Best Sacred Dialogue: Doubt
Father Flynn [Philip Seymour Hoffman]: You haven't the slightest proof of anything.
Sister Aloysius [Meryl Streep]: But I have my certainty.





Best Profane Dialogue: In Bruges
An Irish assassin, played by Brendan Gleeson, offers constructive criticism to his gangster boss (Ralph Fiennes).
Ken [Gleeson]: Harry, let's face it. And I'm not being funny. I mean no disrespect, but you're a cunt. You're a cunt now, and you've always been a cunt. And the only thing that's going to change is that you're going to be an even bigger cunt. Maybe have some more cunt kids.
Harry [Fiennes] [furious]: Leave my kids fucking out of it! What have they done? You fucking retract that bit about my cunt fucking kids!
Ken: I retract that bit about your cunt fucking kids.
Harry: Insult my fucking kids? That's going overboard, mate!
Ken: I retracted it, didn't I?


Best Alternate Universe: Hellboy II: The Golden Army
If you think about it too hard, the Catholic-pagan weltanschauung at the center of the Hellboy films just seems silly. Still, it's beautiful. From Bagpipe Player with the preserved torso for an instrument to the huge fish with the ink sac to the creature with mushrooms growing from his limbs, the world created by Guillermo del Toro is as frighteningly intense and sudden as the dreams you get when you sleep with a nicotine patch on your ass or consume strong blue cheese before bed.

Best Music: Gunnin' for That #1 Spot
Since the movie is a labor of love from Beastie Boy Adam Yauch, it should come as no surprise that the music is as innocent and cool as the genius basketball kids the movie celebrates. The fullest proof, if any were needed, of the lameness of Nick & Norah's Infinite Playlist, in which twee pop songs only add to the monotony of the characters' coy adventures in posing.



Best Vehicle: Death Race
An 18-wheeler named the Dreadnought loaded with surface-to-surface missiles, 50-caliber machine guns, and a tank turret. It only comes in gray.





Best Man in a Suit: Jason Statham in The Bank Job
When Jason Statham puts on a suit, mere cloth becomes soft armor and a shortish British thug becomes somebody you aspire to be. Part of the attraction may be due to his particular technique of masculine dishabille: the collar slightly too large, the cuffs a bit too extended, the necktie skewed just so. The rest is a mysterious communion of man and clothing. It's not a statement to be made lightly, but the guy looks better in a suit than Robert De Niro.



Best Piece of Clothing: The gloves in Funny Games
The plain white gloves worn by the sadistic neighbors conjure at once the cruel indifference of butlers, scientists, and the guy who puts the ball back on the table in professional snooker. Those gloves say more about the human condition than the entire wardrobe of Sex and the City.


Funniest Apocalypse: WALL-E
The only memento of love remaining on planet Earth is Hello, Dolly! Depressing and ludicrous but also, somehow, exactly right.






Best Date Movie: Vicky Cristina Barcelona
Threesome with Scarlett Johansson and Penélope Cruz. Woody Allen doing Henry James in Spain. Everybody wins





Most Charming Racist for the Post-Obama Era
Tie — Samuel L. Jackson in Lakeview Terrace and Clint Eastwood in Gran Torino
In a joint sequel, their kids have kids. In the sequel to the sequel, one of those kids grows up to be president.




Best Failure: The Love Guru
Awards celebrate success, but some failures should be cherished. Mike Myers could make another five Austin Powers movies and then a nostalgic Wayne's World, please every executive at the studio, all the while earning enough money to warm his collection of homes by burning bricks of $100 bills. He instead chose to go way out on a limb and try to be absolutely hilarious. He landed on his ass and made a movie that nobody should watch but everybody should applaud.

Best Fantasy Object: The face mask in Iron Man
It allows Robert Downey Jr. to separate terrorists from innocent civilians and kill only the terrorists. Half the problems in the world would disappear if that mask existed.



Best Allegory for the Condition of the Urban Male in the Modern World: Quantum of Solace
Everything wrong with the Oscars can be summed up by this fact: Nobody has ever won Best Actor for James Bond. We ex-pect them to ignore the best of high art — to pick Rocky over Taxi Driver. The problem is, they won't go low, either. James Bond is the John Wayne for men who live in big cities — the model of the sophistication, confidence, and aplomb needed to survive in complex societies. Daniel Craig's is the darkest Bond yet but also one of the most honest: a man facing a brutal world in which the enemy is secretive and unknown, and he's betrayed by all the institutions he cares about. Isn't art supposed to reflect the world unflinchingly, to "hold the mirror up to nature," no matter how uncomfortable the reflection may be? Quantum of Solace does it.

The One Year Anniversary

It has been one year that I've been in Singapore. And I never thought I'd say this but time does fly by and Thank God for that.
I realised it last night and told the Boyfriend during my atleast-thrice-a-day long distance call to India.


Me: So you know its been a year I've been in Singapore

Boyfriend: Oh yes, 22nd October. It has been a year.

Me: you're supposed to say something about it

Boyfriend: Well, lets see. In the one year you've been away, you've come back home visiting 3 times. So its not like its some big achievement you've spent a year away. When I was in Dubai, there was a time I didn’t come home for 16 months, and then after that I didn’t come home for 2 and a half years.

Me: What does that have to do with any of this? You're supposed to say 'congratulations' or 'its been a year you've been away from me, I miss you' or some rubbish like that.

Boyfriend: Oh. Ok. Hmmm



Well, other than that lovely conversation that put a lotta things in perspective (not!), these are my other accomplishments for the year gone by. Since so much of my time is spent at work, I thought I'd start with work related accomplishments first. (I know. You were expecting me to say sleeping. But Sleep comes in at no. 2. No way I sleep enough for a growing healthy human being)

Work related accomplishments:

• Yesterday, while at work, I finished the really long crossword in 20 mins. And then continued doing various other similarly names crosswords to while away the day.


• Successfully able to keep up with all activities on Facebook and responding to all the challenges on Text Twirl, scramble and all those other games.


• My collection of awards playing bingo on Facebook. (Yes, that IS how boring it gets.. I stoop to these levels to stay entertained)


• Have finished reading 3 novels in the confines of my small cubicle (if you can call it that). Am now on my fourth.


• Been on time at work 5 times in the last year. (Wow!!! 5 times)


• Ensured the my mobile service provider will definitely be in business for a while considering my phenomenally LARGE monthly mobile bills.


• Ability to go home during office hours for a short nap. If timed correctly, I usually pick up a subway go home and eat it while watching The Ellen show and then have a post-lunch nap. It usually is always timed correctly.


• Have bitched about the rains in Singapore atleast 3 times every week.


• Extraordinary ability to show I care about the goings on at the workplace.


• Most posts made on this blog have been made while at the office - So that is all the testimony you should require.


• Organised office trips to places like Thailand and Malaysia so that I can see those countries and not pay for the flight myself.


• But THE Main Accomplishment: Refined the ability to bullshit my way through all situations, ensure the whole lot loves me for my wisdom and the hard work I put in while at the same time still being able to do the crossword of the day.
  

Non-work related accomplishments

• Collection of shoes which I have spent more money on that I used to make in India. It also needs to be highlighted that once I move back to India, I might need a room only for my shoes.


• Same goes for the book collection. The 61 books you see in the pic are less than half of it. Most look like library books because I got them from a library sale. I see no shame in buying second hand books when they are for 2$ each. (and yes, that is an Arsenal banner above it)

• I will shamefully add my trips back to India in this list here. It takes money to travel - money I've been earning and spending away like there's no tomorrow.


• My Lovely collection of Whisky and Wine and other things divine. I really should take a pic.


• The renewed ability to sit for countless hours in front of the idiot box at home while all around me things lie waiting to be picked up and put in their right places.


• The constant reduction in brain cells - the ones that are dying away for lack of being used to do anything constructive. Other than make lists like these

Oh, and by the way, this post was also written at the workplace where I am otherwise employed to change other peoples' worlds and make it a better place for you and for me and the entire human race...

A day in the life of a wasted bum

11:13 a.m.:

- I came in at 9:15
- Its 11.13 now. I've been surfing the net since 9:23
- I changed things around on the blog as I had nothing else better to do
- My fingers are frozen. I cannot type. Its that cold in the office
- Buffy the Vampire Slayer does still play on TV. On AXN Beyond at 23.00 SIN time on weekdays. - In the last episode, Angel has just left her to go to LA.
- I'm waiting for lunch
- Pianoman is playing in my head
- My last google search was on the US presidential debate - for lack of things to do
- I'm thinking on mint chocolates
- Yes, i am still awake. I haven't dozed off to sleep yet DESPITE the lack of things to do

12:32 pm:

- Just smoked 3 cigarettes
- Discussed the lack of things to do at work and the need to find another job with Mala
- Arguing with self that this job will pay for new Bose speakers, new study to house all books and one room for all my shoes when i finally do decide to go back to India. So i need to stick around and work and save money
- Just won argument with self since, well, lets face it, I'm never gonna actually save any money. So i might as well leave now
- Its 12.35 - LUNCH TIME IS HERE !!!!

02.00pm

- Just back from a nice Indian Lunch
- Wondering what to do next - there's 3.5 hours to go
- Aaaah yes!!! Facebook!!!

02.14 pm:

- Realisation has just dawned upon me - many moons ago, I had prepared for this eventuality for complete worklessness. I have movies on my iPod - Transformers - here I come

02.39 pm

- Lateralus to the rescue. iPod movies will now be kept for a rainier day (God forbid such a day ever comes.. but it will. Probably tomorrow) Have a new site to explore now. I quite like these Black cab sessions
- Listening to music and drinking green tea now. I might as well get used to this.

02:45 - 05:00

5:00 pm:

- Finally doing some work now. Making a powerpoint presentation for the team however i think it may be a tad too fancy for their liking (i.e. they may not understand) I'm wondering if i should just stand there and talk to them and if needed draw stuff on chart-paper on the spot - that might make a better impact. But due to lack of better things, i will continue with the powerpoint for now. There's something to be said for coming down to the level of the masses so they may understand you.

- But hold on, i'm not giving the presentation. The perks of being a manager - DELEGATION !!!

5:30 pm:

- Yes!!! 5:30 is FINALLY here. I need a drink. Or two. Or more.

DEBT FREE and loving it.

1 down and 33 to go from my list of things to do.
As of October 5th, i am now DEBT FREE!!!
Yes ladies and gentlemen.. unbelievable but surprisingly true !!!! That final 85 thou has been paid off and i happily owe no one now. Nice birthday gift this was to myself. Next one to target might be learning to swim.. seems like an easy one to do right now.