The 2009 Alternative Oscars

I'm not sure why I'm doing this but i found this funny enough. Found it on esquire.com. My half-ass comments in red. Oh well, its too early in the morning to make any comments.
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But i will say that Jason Statham does look hot in a suit, and although i am not a Daniel Craig fan, it is saddening (!) that none of the Bonds have won
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There, comments done. And highlighted in red.
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The 2009 Alternative Oscars
Our statuettes are plastic. Our carpet is more of a cranberry. And our tuxedos are at the cleaners. Also, our tastes are slightly more objective than those of the Academy members. So, without commercial interruption, shamelessly researched speeches, or a roll call of the dead, here's a lauding of the achievements in cinema that won't get properly lauded at this year's Academy Awards.




Most Fun Blond: Elizabeth Banks
Terrific in both W. and Zack and Miri Make a Porno, she played Laura Bush and an amateur porn star in the same month. Nobody does the look of weary exasperation mixed with tenderness better, and there isn't a more common look that women give men. It's as if she were the middle child and only girl in a family of six brothers.



Best Actor Playing Himself: Jean-Claude Van Damme in JCVD
The most moving monologue of the year was the six-minute, one-take meditation on childhood dreams and fame at the heart of this movie: "When you're 13, you believe in your dream. Well, it came true for me. But I still ask myself today what I've done on this earth. Nothing! I've done nothing!" Melancholy and the capacity for astonishing violence always go well together.




Best Piece of Inside Information: Twilight
The good news is that this movie tells you what young women want. The bad news is that they want you to be a vampire, filled with dark and eternal desires, but tender and controlled enough not to suck their blood. Also, it would be good if you looked like Robert Pattinson and had skin that shimmers like ground crystal in broad daylight.




Best Sacred Dialogue: Doubt
Father Flynn [Philip Seymour Hoffman]: You haven't the slightest proof of anything.
Sister Aloysius [Meryl Streep]: But I have my certainty.





Best Profane Dialogue: In Bruges
An Irish assassin, played by Brendan Gleeson, offers constructive criticism to his gangster boss (Ralph Fiennes).
Ken [Gleeson]: Harry, let's face it. And I'm not being funny. I mean no disrespect, but you're a cunt. You're a cunt now, and you've always been a cunt. And the only thing that's going to change is that you're going to be an even bigger cunt. Maybe have some more cunt kids.
Harry [Fiennes] [furious]: Leave my kids fucking out of it! What have they done? You fucking retract that bit about my cunt fucking kids!
Ken: I retract that bit about your cunt fucking kids.
Harry: Insult my fucking kids? That's going overboard, mate!
Ken: I retracted it, didn't I?


Best Alternate Universe: Hellboy II: The Golden Army
If you think about it too hard, the Catholic-pagan weltanschauung at the center of the Hellboy films just seems silly. Still, it's beautiful. From Bagpipe Player with the preserved torso for an instrument to the huge fish with the ink sac to the creature with mushrooms growing from his limbs, the world created by Guillermo del Toro is as frighteningly intense and sudden as the dreams you get when you sleep with a nicotine patch on your ass or consume strong blue cheese before bed.

Best Music: Gunnin' for That #1 Spot
Since the movie is a labor of love from Beastie Boy Adam Yauch, it should come as no surprise that the music is as innocent and cool as the genius basketball kids the movie celebrates. The fullest proof, if any were needed, of the lameness of Nick & Norah's Infinite Playlist, in which twee pop songs only add to the monotony of the characters' coy adventures in posing.



Best Vehicle: Death Race
An 18-wheeler named the Dreadnought loaded with surface-to-surface missiles, 50-caliber machine guns, and a tank turret. It only comes in gray.





Best Man in a Suit: Jason Statham in The Bank Job
When Jason Statham puts on a suit, mere cloth becomes soft armor and a shortish British thug becomes somebody you aspire to be. Part of the attraction may be due to his particular technique of masculine dishabille: the collar slightly too large, the cuffs a bit too extended, the necktie skewed just so. The rest is a mysterious communion of man and clothing. It's not a statement to be made lightly, but the guy looks better in a suit than Robert De Niro.



Best Piece of Clothing: The gloves in Funny Games
The plain white gloves worn by the sadistic neighbors conjure at once the cruel indifference of butlers, scientists, and the guy who puts the ball back on the table in professional snooker. Those gloves say more about the human condition than the entire wardrobe of Sex and the City.


Funniest Apocalypse: WALL-E
The only memento of love remaining on planet Earth is Hello, Dolly! Depressing and ludicrous but also, somehow, exactly right.






Best Date Movie: Vicky Cristina Barcelona
Threesome with Scarlett Johansson and Penélope Cruz. Woody Allen doing Henry James in Spain. Everybody wins





Most Charming Racist for the Post-Obama Era
Tie — Samuel L. Jackson in Lakeview Terrace and Clint Eastwood in Gran Torino
In a joint sequel, their kids have kids. In the sequel to the sequel, one of those kids grows up to be president.




Best Failure: The Love Guru
Awards celebrate success, but some failures should be cherished. Mike Myers could make another five Austin Powers movies and then a nostalgic Wayne's World, please every executive at the studio, all the while earning enough money to warm his collection of homes by burning bricks of $100 bills. He instead chose to go way out on a limb and try to be absolutely hilarious. He landed on his ass and made a movie that nobody should watch but everybody should applaud.

Best Fantasy Object: The face mask in Iron Man
It allows Robert Downey Jr. to separate terrorists from innocent civilians and kill only the terrorists. Half the problems in the world would disappear if that mask existed.



Best Allegory for the Condition of the Urban Male in the Modern World: Quantum of Solace
Everything wrong with the Oscars can be summed up by this fact: Nobody has ever won Best Actor for James Bond. We ex-pect them to ignore the best of high art — to pick Rocky over Taxi Driver. The problem is, they won't go low, either. James Bond is the John Wayne for men who live in big cities — the model of the sophistication, confidence, and aplomb needed to survive in complex societies. Daniel Craig's is the darkest Bond yet but also one of the most honest: a man facing a brutal world in which the enemy is secretive and unknown, and he's betrayed by all the institutions he cares about. Isn't art supposed to reflect the world unflinchingly, to "hold the mirror up to nature," no matter how uncomfortable the reflection may be? Quantum of Solace does it.